I’m going completely crazy

I haven’t been able to work on any of my own projects for a long time. I’m going crazy.

I wanted to start machinima again, even though I hate myself every time I release something. Well, every tool I used to make my machinimas has ceased updating. So, short of doing absolutely everything through maya or 3D studio max, I’m SOL. Tossed that idea out the window.

I am working on a novel to be completed by the end of the year. It’s all but ground to a halt with the sheer volume of freelance work I’ve taken on. You might ask why I’d take all that extra work when I have my own things to focus on, but you won’t like the answer. It’s because I’m so poor that I have to sacrifice my free time to this stuff. Sad story, boo hoo.

I haven’t been able to blog lately because I am just so exhausted that the words won’t come out. I stare at the white screen all day long and type little letters into it, so I can send them off into the void where only bots and spiders will read them, convert them into a formula, and move onto the next bit of data. It’s thankless until I see that Google acknowledges my work by placing it on the first page of search results. So I guess it’s worth it in the end.

My mind bursts with ideas as my schedule fills up. I go to therapy, and while I’m supposed to be talking about why I hate the shape of my nose and the way my mouth looks and the chicken skin on my arms, I lose myself in thoughts of writing: A man and woman who sit on opposite ends of a bar, unknowingly imbibing the same drink, celebrating the same loss of love; a child clutching her pillow as she wishes herself into a faraway land where she has the ability to shape her own destiny; a young woman contemplating whether her life is worth the price her family pays to keep her alive. Just random thoughts, random dreams, random inspiration all dissipating into the void. I won’t remember these things three months down the road. They’re here now, and they’ll be gone when it matters.

I know it’s October, and I know what that means for me. It’s the burst of creativity I get every year because I can’t really deal with reality. I lost two sisters in October. A friend killed himself in October, and my parents were divorced in October. Next month is my youngest sister’s birthday. I can now add the finality of divorce to October. How fantastic.

There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to accommodate my monetary needs and my creative needs. Something had to change, so I drew the line.

I’ll be moving in November. Back to the craziness, i suppose… but also back to the love and support of my closest friends and family. Something changed in me… something I can’t ignore any longer. So I guess here I am, admitting it to whoever reads this. I lost the battle with money, but I won’t lose the battle with my passion for creating art.